NBA Players as Iconic Halloween Villains
All right, all right, we heard you. We will do a mash-up of current NBA stars as iconic Halloween movie franchise villains.
Before we journey onward, a should-go-without-saying-but-still-necessary housekeeping note: This entire exercise is neither serious nor literal. We are not deriding player appearances or insinuating anything sinister about them as people.
This is exclusively meant to be fun, silly and even a little stupid. And it aims only to cast these stars based on their basketball qualities.
Snark will be mixed in, because duh. And some selections will be reaches, because, well, obviously. But that’s it. There is no deeper meaning beyond the fun, silliness and even-a-little-stupidness of it all.
Happy Halloween.
Giannis Antetokounmpo: The Predator (Predator)
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Consider everything we know about The Predator, a hunter of fellow hunters, boasting ultra-aesthetic boulder shoulders that double as weaponized cannons, with the ability to slay victims in a variety of go-go-gadgety yet gory methods that basically amount to similar variations of being more advanced and sentient and extraterrestrial than you.
All of that encapsulates the typical Giannis Antetokounmpo experience in transition, on half-court drives and with every single one of his dunks.
Stephen Curry: Chucky (Child’s Play)
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A “good guy” babyface who is actually a serial-killing assassin on the endless prowl for souls to subsume? Like, come on.
I didn’t so much think up this horror-movie comparison so much as it’s ingrained into the fabric of our collective existence.
Luka Dončić: Pennywise the Clown (It)
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Pennywise lures his victims with a playful façade, only to reveal his monstrous power. And Luka Dončić’s friendly, laid-back demeanor hides a killer instinct, provided you’re not one of the people officiating his games.
With a grin and effortless style, he pulls defenders in and then ruthlessly exploits every defensive lapse, making fans feel like he’s having too much—some might even say sadistic amounts of—fun while doing it.
Does he also have an affinity for lurking in sewers, face fully made-up, in hopes of scaring the bejesus out of Dereck Lively II and Olivier-Maxence Prosper? You’ll have to ask him.
Kevin Durant: Dracula
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Is there even another option without shoehorning in some type of nameless oversized spider just so you can feel good and somewhat clever about saying or writing The Durantula?
The Dracula comp writes itself. He, too, is listed at six inches shorter than he actually stands. And the complicated duality of his many character iterations perfectly jells with Kevin Durant, a fellow immortal capable of draining the life out of victims—i.e. entire defenses, individual defenders, locker room vibes—but who also profiles as an idyllic, puppy-loving anti-villain forever luring you into a for-the-love-of-the-game pleasure coma.
Anthony Edwards: Jason Voorhees (Friday The 13th)
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Hear me out.
No, Anthony Edwards does not, as far as we know, have a penchant for running around in masks that he cribbed from a 1959 NHL goalie. But he is, as you can see above, clearly into oversized sunglasses that shield his cheekbones from the rigors of external elements and thus conceal part of his identity even though every nook and cranny of his silhouette and demeanor is notorious enough that it doesn’t matter.
Oh, he also makes millions of dollars to be a grown-adult slasher with superhuman strength.
And frankly, can we actually confirm that he does not possess regenerative powers, and that he has not traveled to outer space or ever been cryogenically frozen?
LeBron James: Michael Myers (Halloween)
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Michael Myers has never repressed his impulse to slash. The same goes for LeBron James, who continues to turn on the downhill jets more times per game than any mortal has or likely will past the age of 35 and catch the occasional body while doing so.
Myers wears a mask that befits a villain. Rumor has it LeBron has done some damage wearing one, too.
Myers’ longevity is essentially beyond comparison. There have been, like, 79* installments of the Halloween franchise.
And LeBron, the all-time leading scorer in NBA history, who is on the cusp of playing past his 40th birthday, well, he, you know…
(*There have actually been 13 movies in the Halloween franchise.)
Nikola Jokić: Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare On Elm Street)
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Freddy Krueger is at once terrifying and seems eminently beatable.
Sure, he is objectively harrowing in appearance and motive. At the same time, anyone who sports a fedora, striped sweater and homemade gloves with pointy things at the end of them looks like someone you can outrun.
In reality, though, he can shape-shift into pretty much anything or anyone depending on the circumstances. And there is no escaping him. He haunts you and slays you, even inside your dreams.
Sounds like a good analog for the way Nikola Jokić carves up defenses and hopes and dreams on the basketball court.
And though he doesn’t, to the best of my knowledge, wear bladed leather gloves he made himself using materials purchased at a community yard sale hosted by career florists, his upper arms and shoulders always look like he may have scratched himself while messing around with them at home.
Lauri Markkanen: Ghostface (Scream)
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Preternatural stealth is, by far, Ghostface’s most lethal characteristic. If that doesn’t describe the way Lauri Markkanen moves away and towards the ball and how he occasionally yams on opponents, um, what the hell does?
The fact that Markkanen shares Ghostface’s deceptive strength is just a bonus. Ditto for their very public stalking. Except, Ghostface does it to kill. Ever more noble, Markkanen seeks out unsuspecting wrong-end-of-a-poster candidates.
Also: Their shared ability to actualize the impossible—Ghostface’s sudden appearances and vanishings out of nowhere; Markkanen getting a massive raise to continue submarining Utah’s tanking efforts—renders this selection both undeniable and obligatory.
Domantas Sabonis: Jigsaw (Saw)
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Could it be anyone else, anyone at all, for Domantas Sabonis?
Jigsaw meticulously sets traps that ensnare his victims. Domas’ style is just as cold, calculated and, depending on how much shoulder he’s using, conniving.
He can throw defenses in turmoil suddenly, removing all semblance of subtly. But he can also dissect them methodically, surgically, almost cruelly, if not definitively so.
Regardless, every move feels like it’s part of a larger, inescapable plan, one that spans multiple possessions, even quarters. Opponents are often left scrambling, helplessly, descending into chaos that is actually his “puzzle,” invariably realizing too late that he’s clever’d them into a situation they can’t leave unscathed.
There is also a connection shared in public commentary and consideration. Are Jigsaw’s plots so repetitive and reliant on the fallibility of humanity, as well as rotting bolts and decaying iron, that they’re actually overrated? Or does the effectiveness with which they unfold prove they’re underrated?
Talking heads have asked the same of Sabonis’ passing, and his double-doubles and the handoff plays the Sacramento Kings use to jump-start their offense (when lineups allow it).
Clearly, this is a chef’s-kiss dubbing.
Victor Wembanyama: Xenomorph (Alien)
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Unforgettably harrowing, standing between seven and eight feet tall, hailing from the cosmos, with absurd stealth and unheard-of adaptability, equipped to devastate whether on the offensive or defensive, and innately motivated to indiscriminately dominate, Xenomorphs aren’t actually the best analogy for Victor Wembanyama.
But only because they were, clearly, conceptualized for the Alien franchise in his image, making him their best life-form comparison.
